AAPI Healing Session | Monterey Park and Half Moon Bay
Unpacking our grief, pain, and questions.
Thrive Spice Podcast | Season 2 Episode 6
Join Vanessa Shiliwala and special guest Leslie Lew as we hold space for community healing in the aftermath of Monterey Park and Half Moon Bay shootings. It's a raw, honest session as we process grief alongside joy during Lunar New Year, which is supposed to be a time of celebration, community and joy. We talk about the intersections of anti-Asian violence and mental health, self-worth, and why we will not be silenced as Asian women.
Plus: We want to hear from you. Send us your voice memos or audio clips to info@thrivespicemedia.com or DM us on instagram @thrivespice.
About Leslie Lew (she/her): Leslie is a trauma-informed self-defense coach, international speaker, and podcast host. You can find her on Instagram @reclaimingyourcourage and listen to her podcast Reclaiming Your Voice. She will be hosting a healing circle this upcoming week. For details, please visit her Instagram.
About Vanessa Shiliwala (she/her): Vanessa is the Founder/CEO of Thrive Spice Media, a mental health podcast and leadership platform that seeks to amplify and empower AAPI leaders, creators, and changemakers. She is also an award-winning DEI advocate, speaker, senior marketing leader, mother, and NYU graduate. You can find her on instagram @thrivespice.
Resources:
Lunar New Year Victim's Fund |Stop AAPI Hate Mental Health Resources Guide (San Mateo County and virtual/nationwide) |
Stand with Asian Americans x Google x Coqual - "Strangers at Home: Key Findings on Asian and Asian American professionals, and erasure and invisibility of Pacific Islanders" | Asian Mental Health Project | Asian American Journalists Association - verified pronunciation of victims' names in the Monterey Park and Half Moon Bay shootings | Asian American therapist directory
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Note: For accessibility purposes, this podcast episode was transcribed with the help of A.I. technology. There may be slight inaccuracies in transcription or punctuation.
Full Interview: AAPI Healing Session | Monterey Park & Half Moon Bay
Vanessa Shiliwala: Hey everyone. It's Vanessa. Welcome to Thrive Spice, a podcast centered on the Asian American mental health experience while navigating career, family, wellness, and social empowerment. I'm your host Vanessa Tsang Shiliwala, a business leader and entrepreneur mother of two, and award-winning AAPI and mental health advocate.
Join me as I invite diverse business and political leaders, entrepreneurs, and creators to share their real raw mental health journeys, and practical advice on how they found their Thrive Spice: the joy that comes from finally owning our identity, power and worth. Please follow me @thrivespice on Instagram for videos and more mental health tips. Lastly, don't forget to subscribe. All right, let's get ready to unpack some feelings and spill the tea.
Hey everyone, it's Vanessa from Thrive Spice. This podcast episode is a means to hold space for community healing and grief and processing of Monterey Park and Half Moon Bay shootings that happened earlier this week. It's been a hell of the week in the aftermath of Monterey Park and Half Moon Bay as we process grief alongside joy during Lunar New Year, which is supposed to be a time of celebration, community, and joy.
In a moment, I'm going to talk to Leslie Lew of Reclaiming Your Courage, a fellow Asian American friend, mom, and trauma informed self-defense coach, who is also a podcast host and speaker.
We're going to have an honest and real conversation about what this week has been like for us in terms of our mental health and invite you to do the same. This podcast episode is also an open call for listeners to hold space for grief and anger, unpack shock and numbness, and hold space for love and affirmations.
It's a virtual safe space. I invite you to email me voice memos or DM me audio recordings via Instagram on how you're feeling about all of this. Um, you can send me voice memo recordings, which is best for clips over one minute at info@thrivespicemedia.com info@thrivespicemedia.com And you can DM me on Instagram Thrive Spice, T H R I V E S P I C E, with either text or audio clips. Please share whatever you feel comfortable with. If you want your name withheld, that's completely fine. I'm hoping to compile some of these into another podcast episode to facilitate community healing and care.
And mostly just to share that you're not alone and quite frankly, Honestly, processing all of this while trying to also hold space and speak for and with our community has been overwhelming at times. Uh, I also felt the responsibility to speak up, check in on my community, and organize while struggling to process my own feelings.
My thoughts and prayers are with the families and friends of the victims and communities who lost their lives to another senseless and tragic act of violence and hatred.
My heart goes out to the community. Near and far, we are all affected.
I just wanna share that the mental and physical load is real. Just days before the mass shooting at Monterey Park, I shared on LinkedIn. A new study done with Stand with Asian-Americans and coqual called Strangers at Home, which looks at Asian-American professionals and Pacific Islanders.
63% of A A p I say the impact of ongoing anti-Asian violence has negatively impacted their mental health. 45% say it's affected their physical health and 62% say it has affected their feelings of safety Commuting. The rise in anti-Asian hate and violence was my call to action to start Thrive Spice Media in 2021.
A podcast and virtual safe space dedicated to amplifying and centering a p i mental health.
Backing up. It's really been a whirlwind. I just wrapped hosting the first speaker Expo to feature Asian Pacific Islander speakers and allies in North America, sponsored by the National Association of Asian American Professionals. It was the largest group of people I've ever spoken to about my mental health journey and how the impacts of racism on our community led me to create Thrive Spice Media.
It came at a particularly poignant time in the past few weeks, Michelle Yeoh and Ke Huy Quan won Golden Globe Awards. We've passed the one year anniversary of Michelle Go's death and an 18 year old Indiana University student was stabbed at a bus stop for being Chinese. Then as we geared up to celebrate Lunar New Year with our families and communities, we woke to the news that 11 people have been killed in a mass shooting in Monterey Park in Southern California, a beloved enclave and thriving community of Asian Americans.
It was gut-wrenching to discover that the gunman was also Asian-American. Less than two days later, another mass shooting had occurred in Half Moon Bay, near the Bay Area with seven people killed. Five of them Asian and two Latinx farm workers. The gunman was also Asian. Please let this be a reminder to check up on each other, your support, however big or small matters.
Leslie Lew: How are you doing?
Vanessa Shiliwala: Um, crappy [laughs]. Um, what about you?
Leslie Lew: I'm a wreck and I was gonna record something too. And um, I mean I've been beat up. I've been beat up. I don't know about you, but like there is something about being an Asian woman and being vocal. I mean, I literally have trolls in my dms. I've had two threats. My God. Um, I mean that's just the reality.
It freaking sucks. So I just wanna speak to kind of. Just be really honest with our experience. So thanks for doing this with me. I was like, I would love to like speak with other Asian women, but nobody wants to talk,
Vanessa Shiliwala: you know? Um, it's, it's just been so hard and I feel like. Having to process this along, like on our own as individuals alongside with being leaders in the community and especially in the space of mental health is, um, is really challenging.
I literally haven't been able to like sleep and, because I had all these thoughts and I was reading constantly about, you know, the. The shootings and new information and reading the comments and, um, just getting triggered. And I was just like, finally at 4:00 AM yesterday or to this morning, um, I just like wrote it all down in notes and I was like, I need, I, I need to hold space with someone.
Um, and it's not gonna be like a typical episode where it's a lot more, I don't wanna say scripted, but like we talk about the agenda ahead of time. , it's more just like, let's hold space and let's also invite people in our community and even allies, whoever wants to talk to actually share their experiences.
And I know you're holding a healing circle and I'm super excited about that. Um, thank you. Um, and cause I know, you know, holding space while processing our own grief. Is just so beyond challenging. And so I wanted to kind of like have us do that, you know, as just two Asian women processing this alongside each other.
And then, um, actually invite people to like, send voice memos or audio clips or whatever, um, just to kind of whatever they're comfortable sharing. Um, just to hold space and maybe we'll, you know, share that, um, it can be anonymous, whatever people are comfortable sharing, um, in a feature episode, just to be like, you're not alone.
And so many people are struggling to find the words to describe just the rollercoaster of emotions. And, um, I did attended like this, um, healing circle from the Asian Mental Health Project on Monday. because I needed it, quite frankly. I was like, I can't facilitate space. Like I need to check in and figure out what's going on.
And um, yeah, I was just, I was struck by how many people were like, Their families checked in with them to see if they were like immediately like alive and okay. But other than that they weren't like, Hey, like how are you feeling? And like, do you, you know, do you wanna talk about it? And um, it was like almost unanimous, like everyone was saying that like, no, no one really.
Talked about that in their families. And then once, you know, the information came out that the shooter in Monterey Park, um, was also Asian, um, that also just added a whole lot of complexity and I know propaganda. Yep. I definitely wanna get into it with you, you know, cause I know like that's been something you've been dealing with.
Um, but yeah, like, I wanna just kinda Yeah,
Leslie Lew: we can just go into it. Yeah. Let's just go it hint
Vanessa Shiliwala: it. Um, what's this week been like for you? You know, walk me through, you know, what happened when you found out and how you've been dealing with it.
Leslie Lew: Um, I'm a, I am a wreck. Mm-hmm. . , I am completely beaten down and broken because Monterey Park is one of the, well, first of all, before we even go into Monterey Park here I am holding onto hope that this lunar new year was gonna be different.
Mm-hmm. . But like deep down, I had some ill feelings inside of the threat. of violence, that it's possible. Yeah. And I didn't, I didn't wanna completely think about that. I wanted to focus on what does Lunar New Year symbolize for me and my family as a time to come together? It is about joy, abundance, celebration, like our little moments of happy.
And so just even giving my my kids red envelopes for the first time. Yeah. Right. Like that was a beautiful moment and that moment was shattered very quickly to hear about the news in Monterey Park. Yeah. Um, like I. , I didn't have time to process because as soon as I posted about it, my auto, my automatic reaction is, let me just post about this because I know mainstream media is not gonna post about it.
Hmm. Right. And so I specifically said it's a targeted attack. Yeah. And, and little did I know. That being vocal as a wo Asian woman meant that it's open season for people, Asian and non-Asian to come at me, to put me in my place. And so what did that mean? That meant I had Asian people rationalizing, like, oh, no, no, but like the shooter was Asian.
and something about that, like I had to question and say, but does that make the pain and the suffering any less? And the grief, right? And for some people they rationalize like, yeah, there's something about that that makes that better for me and more palatable. Ugh. That was something in itself for me to process.
Um, I had people put words in my mouth that I was calling it a hate, a hate crime. , it's like, I actually didn't use that language, but just to be clear, Asians and other people of the same group can commit hate crimes towards the same group. Sure. Um, I had people coming into my dms. I had people threaten me.
Um, Calling me a chink, uh, calling me, like saying that they would shoot me. Wow. And I'm sharing these things cuz that's the reality of being a vocal Asian woman. And I was just like, there's gonna be so much more hatred coming from this. Um, and more propaganda because we started to see a lot of propaganda towards the Asian male shooter.
Mm. . Um, and so some thoughts that I was trying to get out there was my heart actually goes towards the shooter as well. Yeah. Cause we are a culture of suppression. Mm-hmm. because in his generation he didn't have the tools and resources to talk about his mental health. Um, and what Asian men specifically had ha had to go through, um, in the last three years.
But it doesn't take away from the patriarchal violence. Right. It's rooted in domestic violence. Yeah. So there's that point. Right. And then 24 hours later, I mean, I don't live very close to Half Moon Bay. I live close enough. I know people who live in Half Moon Bay, and then it was like the shooter is also Asian.
Yeah. And so, , I think there's something compound like this, compounding trauma of like, I haven't even processed that thing. Yeah. And then this thing happens and then the media starts, um, the propaganda starts, right? Like, let's pit Asian people as, as the terror and the foreigners. Right. The deadliest mass shooting in San Mateo County.
Right. It's the depiction, um, that I feel is problematic. Um, , and I think that I wanna be able to hold space for you in a second, and it's like I'm so tired of helping people who are not Asian with language around how do you become an ally to Asian people, right? Like mm-hmm. , if you don't know what to say, it's a lot more better to say like, this is so gut wrenching.
Like, I'm sorry, I don't know what to say and I don't wanna make it worse. Then gaslighting people and saying like, oh, I just didn't know what to say is an excuse I hear ongoing. Um, and then, yeah, like I'll just kind of pause there.
Vanessa Shiliwala: Yeah. No, thank you for, for sharing that. I think. It's been, it's been a lot.
And I'm so sorry that you've had to experience, I know you called them like key word warriors and, and threats against your life and, um, being able to speak up because, um, that's a, a civil liberty that we all have and it's. Just, you know, as, as you stated, being an Asian woman, um, we are silenced often. We are diminished, and, um, it's really important that we feel comfortable speaking up and speaking out, and I commend you for that.
And, um, yeah, that, that shouldn't be happening. And it, it, as you said, it compounds the trauma because we feel attacked at the same time. So it, it's just, um, honestly, a recipe. For rage and, um, just even more trauma. So, um, you know, I, on my end I felt like, I, I'm lucky in that on Saturday, um, we celebrated Lunar New Year with my kids and family and so we, you know, saw a lion dance and, um, we went to the Met, they had a huge celebration there at the museum and, um, met like the characters from Sesame Street and, um, just did a lot of like fun things.
I too gave them red envelopes for really the first time because they're three and four. And you know, prior to that it's like, , you know, they might end up eating the red envelopes rather than actually like taking them. And so, um, and they're really obsessed with, um, they call 'em fortune coins. So it's just like, you know, money that's like in coin format.
And so we put fortune coins in there because I'm sure the paper would've ended up at like being drawn on or like ripped up or something. Um, so it was just fun because it was really the first time. , it felt like an integrated, you know, celebration and, um, we decorated the house and so we did all of that like on Friday and Saturday.
And so it was just such a, um, a shock to wake up to the news on Sunday and just, you know, all of a sudden after all this joy, like just deep, deep grief and shock. anger and confusion and, and sadness and, um, just feeling overwhelmed by, um, by everything. And also feeling the pressure to like be able to quickly verbalize what I was going through because I know that like, you know, the community, we need all the resources we can get.
And, um, you know, especially when it comes to mental health, um, this is something that, you know, This was why I started the podcast, um, you know, after the Atlanta spa shootings and I was. , as you said, a wreck for weeks. And I imagine it's going to be a similar, you know, trauma response to this. But what does encourage me is that I've seen a lot more community organizing this time around.
I've seen a lot more people, um, you know, quickly organizing GoFundMe, um, vigils, healing circles. Um, I'm not sure if I saw that the first time. The Atlanta spot Sheetings, I think we were just like, whoa. Like what just happened? And that was a day after the stop. A a p I hate report came out. So everyone was just like grappling with like, oh my gosh, this is, this is real, this is happening.
We have the data, we, we, you know, it's, it's real. Um, and so this time I feel like there is at least that momentum. But yeah, actually I think. , the shooter being Asian is really causing us to really think about the intersections of, you know, frankly, this is not just like an Asian on Asian hate crime or whatever it is.
This is, this is an American, um, incident like we are Americans. And this is something that involves the intersections of a lot of the issues in America today, which do involve, yes, mental health, but also involve, you know, gun control and. Domestic and intimate partner violence, gender inequality, toxic masculinity, um, all of these issues that are very real.
Um, and they, they all intersect in this one story. And so it's been, I think, very triggering for a lot of us because, um, we're unpacking a lot of intergenerational trauma. That we've never really, um, kind of opened up about in a massive way. And so the healing circle that I attended, um, there actually was a lot of, um, kind of, it's, it's like a mixture of like empathy and shock for the shooter because we understand that there must have been decades of pain and suffering to bring them to do something like, Um, and at the same time, um, just a lot of pain and sorrow for this happening in our community.
And I'm not from Monterey Park or California, but um, you know, it wasn't lost on me that this happened in a ballroom, in a dance studio because my grandma lived with us for some time when we were, um, living in Wisconsin and she loved a ballroom dance like that. That was her thing. Now she lives in Hong Kong.
Um, but you know, she actually like remarried after my grandfather passed away from cancer a couple years later and she, um, married a white man and they would go like ballroom dancing all the time. It was their thing. And she would go with like friends from Chinese church and stuff. And so, um, I kind of understood like the subculture and like, you know, the type of like place it might might have been.
And, um, and, and that just really hit home, um, especially when they started releasing the ages of, and, and names of the victims. And, um, yeah, they're, you know, around my parents' age, a lot of them. And, um, you just, it's just really, it's really tough to process. Um, so. . Yeah. I feel like because of all of these intersections and issues it's bringing up, it's been a lot for me to work through.
Um, and then at the same time, I also wanna like check in on people. And people have been kind enough to check in on me too. Um, and I feel like we just all need to kind of like, there's no power dynamic here. Like I don't have many answers. I just, I have a lot of questions. I have like observations, um, and I feel like we're.
all just kind of trying to check in on each other. Um, and that's, it's been a, a whirlwind of a week, quite honestly. Yeah.
Leslie Lew: Thank you for, thank you for finding the words, in the hopes of other people who may be not and are not there. Um, I think that you. Just had a very raw and honest like perspective there.
And I think that there's also just this, like if you're not Asian, there's a lot of push and pull like intergenerationally of like, it's kind of like, did you eat? Yeah, kinda. It's like that question I'm gonna translate into that. Like, are you okay? Like are you alive? Right? That was kind of the things that happened with family members or other Asian friends.
Like, are you okay? You're alive. But there's no bridge and pathway to like processing this with my mother and other members of my family. It's just like, okay, you're alive. Good. Now go back into like hiding. That's the only way we're going to get through this, right? We're not gonna go to any lunar New Year celebration or all of that, right?
Like we can't hide in the shadows and we can't keep playing it small. , and I'm not telling people to make big, big, dramatic things. I think that there's a lot of micro actions to take of like, oh, well how do we start having these conversations? Right? Like a lot of us want to be invited into conversations about how we feel about it by our Asian friends and community, but also our non-Asian like, and so I think that's also, um, Something that I've learned this time around is like being able to help people with language of like how to really support me and ask.
I'm like, at this point, . You can ask . Yeah, yeah,
Vanessa Shiliwala: yeah. I mean, you know, like tragedy, it's all over the headlines. I don't know about your social media feed, but mine is like completely taken up by the shootings and, and the aftermath. And so it's, it's been a lot. And um, yeah, I appreciate you bringing that up because I feel like I've also had non-Asian friends check in on me and.
you know, try to come from a place of understanding or even be like, Hey, you wanna grab dinner? Um, and that means a lot. Um, and yeah, to your point about have you eaten yet? I mean, food is the original Asian love language, so if you wanna start somewhere, I think that's a great place to start. It's just like, Hey, you wanna grab a coffee, you wanna grab tea?
You wanna, you know, just, just offering. Space, physically if you can. Um, if not physically, virtually, if, if that's not an option. But I think, um, just offering that space and then maybe asking more than once, um, because we are just swimming through a flood and torrent of emotions and, um, I think the collective trauma around experiencing it over and over again through social media and news headlines and comments and, um, it's just like reverberating for a lot of us.
And so asking a couple times, checking in, you know, a couple every couple days or something depending on your relationship. Um, I know some corporations are also holding space for their employees who are, you know, of a API descent and so, And I'm sure, I hope that's appreciated as well. So I think, and obviously, you know, you can donate to the, to the victims, um, if you, you know, you have the means.
So there are a lot of ways to support, and I would say some of them don't really involve a whole lot of money or time. It just honestly involves like an authentic sense of caring, of curiosity, um, non-judgment and, um, .
Leslie Lew: Yeah. And I just really wanna offer up that there's no one way to grieve, right? It's like it's not linear.
So I think culturally there's this aspect of being respectful, not drawing attention. Um, . And so, you know, there you can definitely be in a place of like regrouping with ease processing, but if you feel rage and grief, like I I, I recorded myself, um, hitting a bunch of boxes with a bat and screaming Yeah.
There, and there is liberation in that. And I wanna offer that to anyone who's Asian American is. , there is so much power in hearing yourself scream and releasing it from your body in that way. So that's what I also wanna offer as an, as a healthy alternative is like, yeah, don't go harm anyone else, but like, hit a hitting bag.
Like scream. Mm-hmm. , do what you need to do because like this, this, this like constant biting your tongue and not making waves is, um, . It's isolating and it takes its toll on our mental health, and I do agree with you that I am very humbled by the amount of people and allies that have come forth and shown me support this time around that I felt like I didn't have with Atlanta.
I mean, people don't ask. They literally just send me a Uber Eats gift card and say like, please eat something. And I just bawled my eyes. eating a sandwich and sitting by myself because like I needed that moment Bec and I needed that moment because you have to create space for yourself in these moments because there's gonna be a wave of haters and people that come in.
And what I mean by that is that there's so many people. that have such apathy when it comes to Asian violence, that that's what infuriates me. Yeah. That I'm like, you completely disregard human life. I'm not saying Asian lives are at a better level than any other race. I'm saying this is an American epidemic.
It impacts all people of color and marginalized groups. Right. But like the fact that you could be like, oh, Yeah, like I've seen so many people just, oh, like what's the big deal? And like poke names at Asian people's names and like just their opportunity to like bring more shame and embarrassment towards our community.
That's disgusting and sick to me. And that's what I want people to know is that. . There is, uh, a humanitarian issue here. Like if you notice a community is in pain, like just, just have some compassion before your need to speak. Ask questions and listen. That's how you hold space for people.
Vanessa Shiliwala: Yes. . Yes. Uh, thank you.
That was, that was so powerful. I mean, I wanna respond to a couple things. I know a word you mentioned was isolation, and I think that's come up so many times. Not only when talking about the shooter, but also about our community, right. And what we've been culturally brought up to do, which is to not express any negative emotions, um, because somehow that's seen as less losing.
And so things like crying, things like feeling angry, those may not have been encouraged in our, you know, cultures or our upbringing. And so making the space to do that, there's actually like neurological, scientifically proven benefits to crying. Um, there you, it's part of the grief cycle and, um, I would, you know, I talked to, um, Dr.
Jenny Wong in, uh, a few episodes ago about literally completing the grief cycle, completing the trauma cycle when something like this happens at that, at that time we were talking about the shootings at Uvalde, but unfortunately these keep happening in, in our world. And, um, you know, whether it's exercise or journaling or as you said, screaming or crying, like we need a way to physically and mentally process it.
It's healthy. Um, we can't just keep suppressing it because that isolation has led to increased mental health issues. It's led to depression and anxiety and suicide. And we can't keep like propagating that because we have to be cycle breakers now. And that's what is really unique about this time. I feel like it's the right time to actually talk about it.
It's very unfortunate circumstances, but now we're all talking about it in a way that. See before where people are now, you know, thinking about their parents and their grandparents and how they were conditioned to, you know, never speak about the generational trauma that they were carrying. And now, um, we're seeing that the consequences can be deadly and, um, and we're all in collective grief and, and mourning and.
Some of us are feeling numbness and um, you know, to your point about, you know, kind of the denial or the casual dismissiveness of it, um, denial is a privilege. Um, and it's, you know, not really, it's just a coping mechanism and it's not really about doing the work and processing it. And I think that denial is oftentimes like something we do to protect ourselves, um, from really processing deep pain.
I was surprised when I first found out about the, the shooting in Monterey Park. Um, you know, some people I spoke to in our community, they, they kind of brushed it off. They're like, well, you know, this, this just happens now. This is our new normal. And I was really kind of taken aback by that because I was deeply affected.
Um, So I think that it's something just collectively we still need to work on. And, um, you know, denial is part of the stage of grief. Um, and I, I expect, you know, we're, we're all gonna kind of cycle in between these different stages. And I think the key word is that it's all normal. It's a part of the same cycle.
Um, and it's just to develop an awareness of that.
Leslie Lew: Oh yeah, that's, um, such. important point about denial being, um, privilege. And I wanna say that if you have the ability to feel safe, that is privilege. Mm-hmm. , it's a privilege. Many marginalized folks and people who are in different socioeconomic circumstances don't have.
And so, um, . I had a lot of people telling me the irresponsibility of like me jumping to conclusions and I I am like when I, I wanna shed a lot of light of like, if you are an Asian American listening to this and processing this, I think that, um, it's very important to acknowledge. , our nervous systems are kind of built in a certain way, right?
It's fight, flight, freeze, and it's okay if you're in a state of freezing because your nervous system is built to protect yourself in that manner. Right. Some things I offer to you though is starting to challenge within yourself, the patterns and the programming of like, yeah. Denial right around other people and then not making waves.
I think the important thing is to. challenging. Like, you know what? That actually, you said that, and that actually doesn't sit well with me. Right. That's something that you can say to people. Mm-hmm. like that actually wasn't funny. Yeah.
Vanessa Shiliwala: I love those phrases because I think. , we didn't know how to have these difficult conversations growing up.
And so as adults we're trying to find the tools and the language to bring things up in a constructive way, um, in a way that involves like, okay, let's have a conversation about this and I'm going to stand up for myself and tell you how that made me feel and why that hurt and why that's not okay. Um, but I'm going to do it in a way that you're gonna stay here and listen instead of you just kind.
Turning on me and starting to insult me, or just stop listening, frankly. Um, so I, I love that you offered up that phrase and I think, um, we really need to empower our community to be unafraid to speak up. And it is, you know, I, I, I'm really like, I'm hurt for you that you're, you're getting threatened by people.
Like that's horrible. Um, I, I know that's like another, unspeakable amount of like trauma, and you mentioned safety. Um, maybe some of us don't feel like we have psychological safety, um, to, to speak about these things, whether it's in our homes or workplace. And I would also offer up, you know, try to seek those places of safety, whether it's, um, a healing circle or a therapist or a journal, um, or, you know, even, you know, you can send something to, to us.
Email us, send us a dm. We are. Spaces for, um, for people to share. And so, and that's what I've been doing this week with, you know, people in, in, in the community where they've been sending me these dms and telling me how they're feeling. And, um, it's a lot. But at the same time, it's also very like validating that, um, I'm not the only one who's going through this.
Rollercoaster of emotions and questioning and feeling like we have to defend ourselves while at the same time trying to have empathy for everyone. And to your point, it really affects not just Asians, right? Like we see like quite literally there are Latinx victims in the Half Moon Bay shooting.
Really, it speaks to the intersections of race and class and, um, a lot of the issues at the heart of our society. And, um, what I fear is that this will be labored labeled as like this kind of like, oh, this is just what the minorities go through. Like this isn't, uh, a mainstream problem. That's what I fear, but I'm also hopeful that, um, I'm starting to see more cross racial solidarity, even like with environmentalists and people who work in sustainability, recognizing that there are links between, you know, sustainability and environmental racism as well as lived racism in the examples of these shootings and just trying to start those conversations because, This does affect everybody.
It's not just an Asian issue, it's not just a Latinx issue, it's not just a gun control issue. Um, it's, it's just our lives now. So I'm hoping that this just opens up more conversations and also shows Asians and Asian Americans and everyone that mental health is a very real thing. You know, it's not just, um, You know, a Gen Z concept, um, that's meant to be something that's an excuse for what we're going through.
And this week I shared a study from stand with Asian Americans that they did showing that, um, nearly two thirds of Asian Americans are impacted in terms of their mental health by the increase in violence. In hate speech and bias against Asian Americans and Pacific Islanders, and nearly the same percentage are also affected physically because mental health is health, right?
And so we see it show up. For me, it's showing up as I'm not able to sleep. Um, I'm waking up every night around 2:00 AM and unable to fall asleep till 5:00 AM and my mind is just racing. Some things that have helped me are just like listening to meditations, journaling, um, but I am also recognizing it's gonna take some time.
Leslie Lew: It is gonna take some time, and I appreciate your devotion to speaking about the stigmas around, um, Asian American mental health and just know that Vanessa's that safe space and that's why I appreciate your content so much. And, um, right now I feel like I am on the front lines with you. I've got a broken rib, you know, I, my, my arm's bleeding out and you know, we are.
In the trenches, but I will say my mission is to save women's lives and the li uh, and the lives of allies. And so you and I are both consistently. Devoted to creating safe spaces, right? Like how do we keep each other safe? How do I keep myself safe? We keep each other safe, and so we have to build spaces, um, centered around identity, consent, and co-creation.
Because we've never had spaces like that. And so when I deliver my workshops and the work in my community and what I'm p, you know, if you follow me on my page, um, and follow the links in my bio, that is where we do the deep work. If you've never seen or experienced that, that's what we are inviting you into.
It's what I have, um, committed to, you know, collaborating with Vanessa on as well. But, um, the call to action after this episode is like, if there's anything that resonates with you today, um, you know, we really invite you to, to send messages. , um, to us to know that you're not alone, right? Like, Hey, this, this made me think of this, or This is how I feel.
Or like, I don't have that outlet. How can I create space for myself? Because self-defense for me is not the physical stuff because that means nothing if you don't have a sense of self-worth. Mm. If you don't feel like you're worth defending. then none of the stuff I could teach you would mean anything.
And when you do look at the percentages of attacks on Asian Americans, well over 60% of that is verbal harassment. So well before people kind of throw in, like throw themselves into action and physical defense, I'm like, it's about choosing to defend yourself. Before you're expected to defend yourself.
Mm-hmm. It's not being a bystander. It's vocalizing your boundaries as an act of self-defense. So what you can do right now is energetically protect yourself. If you feel raw, if you feel sensitive to what's going on right now, asking people for space, I need space. Right now, I don't have the bandwidth to talk.
I need space because you're. Supporting me in a way that's meaningful and that gets the other people like wonder, what do you mean? And inviting people into healthy discourse. The reason why I'm exhausted is because some people are not interested in healthy discourse. They just wanna bash. But if people are interested in healthy discourse with Vanessa or I, we happily like will welcome.
Like, Hey, what does that sound like? Introducing that what, you know, I'm experiencing this from my partner who may not be Asian. Let's talk about it. Let's have some healthy dialogue around like, well, how can you ask for what you really need? Rather than like harboring all this burden and resentment towards people in your life for not like walking towards you.
Hmm. How do you vocalize? How do you express. . Right. And that's, that's what I'm interested in. More so than the physical, it's the non-physical attacks. It's the, it's coming into your power by like not playing it small. So hold space for yourself and explicitly state from people what it is you need. I need space.
Right now, there have been two mass shootings that affect my community. Like I need space right now. Mm-hmm. please. At a basic level, I need space, right? .
Vanessa Shiliwala: I love that phrasing because I think right now probably the biggest act of self-care and self-love we can do for ourselves right now is asking for what we need.
So to do that, first we have to take a stock of, okay, well do I need space? Do I need comfort? Do I need community? Um, do I need rest? Rest is also resistance and I think. something we need to kind of start with. If we just focus on one thing, it's like, how do I ask for what I need right now? Uh, because we've been conditioned.
Don't ask for what you need. Don't be that bothered. Don't act like you know a diva or you know, you might be perceived negatively for asking what you want and. , I'm here to say, please ask for what you need and want. And I think sometimes the fear that people will perceive us negatively for that is something that we just need to kind of like be courageous and try it.
And I think sometimes the fear is bigger than the actual result. And I think that because this is a national global, Event, and a lot of people know about it, and the, the climate is different this time around. I think that, um, there is a little bit more education around the fact that the, that, you know, employers and, um, communities need to offer safe spaces and um, and culturally sensitive spaces as well.
So, thank you Leslie. I just am so, um, In awe of your, your messaging and I think the worth piece is so true. And, um, I would love for you to just actually just share with our listeners a little bit about you. And I know you have a healing circle and podcast. Um, would love to share with them where we can find you next and keep in touch.
Leslie Lew: Yeah. Thank you so much for that. Um, I just wanna honor too that even though social media is kind of like this epicenter of how we receive information, it's probably also the biggest contributor to like our mental health woes. But I'm like thankful for social media because like we can choose to leverage it.
For these kinds of messages, but I mean, it also brought us together. Um, I am Leslie Lew. I'm a second generation Korean and Chinese American. I am a trauma informed self-defense coach, uh, international speaker. And the host of Reclaim Your Voice podcast, you can find me, um, on Instagram at reclaiming Your Courage.
I invite you that if you crave this kind of connection and raw, authentic l like connection and meaning tools and a strategy around what to do when you feel most vulnerable to these types of attack, I invite you into my women warrior community where it's really. Dean, silence no more. Um, so if you want a space away from all the noise, um, I'd love to have you.
And, um, yeah, that's, that's how you can get in touch with me.
Vanessa Shiliwala: Amazing. Thank you so much, Leslie.
I wanna share some affirmations for times of tragedy and grief like this, especially for our community. Our lives are precious and they matter as individuals and as a community. We deserve dignity and respect. Say our names and pronounce them correctly. Power and vulnerability can coexist. Tell people how you are really feeling.
All of this normalizes the mental health journey. You'll find ways to return power to yourself, as well as energize and uplift others. Collective trauma benefits from collective grief and collective healing. Do not suppress your feelings. Do not run away from them. Write them down. Tell anyone who will listen.
Check in on your family, friends, neighbors, coworkers, ask for help. I've listed resources in the show notes. Talk to a mental health professional. Attend a healing circle or vigil. Talk to friends and family. Create safe spaces to talk about it. Joy and grief can live alongside each other, and it's okay if they don't.
It's okay if guilt shows up to say, why are you happy? Why did you or your parents or loved ones get to. Joy and grief can both pull us into the present moment. Neither is wrong. Acknowledging your feelings at the moment and not judging them or yourself is part of the healing process.
All of that aside, I wanna hear from you. How are you feeling?
this podcast episode is also an open call for listeners to hold space for grief and anger. Unpack shock and numbness and hold space for love and affirmations.
It's a virtual safe. space I invite you to email me voice memos or DM me audio recordings via Instagram on how you're feeling about all of this. You can send me voice memo recordings, which is best for clips over one minute at info@thrivespicemedia.com, info@thrivespicemedia.com.
And you can DM me on Instagram @ Thrive Spice, T H R I V E S P I C E, with either text or audio clips. Please share whatever you feel comfortable with. If you want your name withheld, that's completely fine. I'm hoping to compile some of these into another podcast episode to facilitate community healing and care.
And mostly just to share that you're not alone.